Notes To My Beans

The day to day tales of my life with the beans


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Cycle 3 – Trying to move forward

My early morning monitoring appointment was yesterday. Instead of waking up super early on my day off so i can be one of the first people there, i took it easy and got up at 6:30am and left 15 minutes later.

When i got to the office, there were only 3 people waiting. The wait wasn’t so long. I had the ultrasound first with Dr. crystalBall. As expected, nothing was going on with my ovaries. Since my lining is thin he wanted to do bcp instead of provera but he wants to do bcp for 21 days. Sigh.

Then was bloodwork, which will need to be sent to an outside lab so i won’t get the results till today. What was even stranger was that my nurse called me in the morning to reiterate that i wouldn’t get my results until the next day. OK, I’ve got the point.

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You know you’re a parent when…

…you find yourself singing along to songs from The Fresh Beat Band.

When my eldest niece was younger, she loved watching them and she would try to do the dance at the end of every show. I found them to be too sugary sweet and annoying. Seriously, do they ever stop smiling? Do they ever go to school for longer than 5 minutes? And what’s with the one dude that’s always over the top. I would have to walk out of the room before i keeled over from diabetic shock.

But now the bean loves the show. And what’s even worse is that i think i like it more than him. Gosh darnit, they’re infectiously catchy, like a bad cold. Touche Nick Jr.

Although that Twist guy … yeah, he’s still the worst.


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Cycle 3: A bad case of the ughs

papaBeaner had his SA last week and my nurse left a message on my phone saying that everything was fine. I really wish she would go into details but she never does about anything. She also called me yesterday to confirm that we’re going ahead with one more IUI and now I have a morning monitoring appointment scheduled for the day after Christmas. Waking up before sunrise is not what I would ideally want to do on my day off, but seeing as I most likely won’t be getting AF on my own, I don’t really have a choice if I want to move ahead with the IUI. I’m predicting that I’ll be triggering shortly after the MLK Jr. holiday.

Part of me is already planning on going through IVF after the third IUI attempt fails. I’ve been reading through what exactly is involved and paying closer attention on forums when an IVF post comes up. In my head, I’ve already come up with how I will tell my parents. It’s almost a done deal — I just need to get through the next BFN.

But what has sent me on yet another downward spiral is planning our family vacation for the year. I had preliminarily planned on a beach/fun activities for the bean type of vacation and now I realize that will most likely not happen because I need the vacation days for the ER and required rest period. And since I don’t really feel like telling my manager what’s going on (at least not on the first go around) I’ll need to play a little guessing game regarding when to take days off, which should be fun considering I have no idea how long I’ll be stimming for and if they would do a Day 3 or 5 ET. So the anxiety of trying to request days off and the disappointment of not being able to do a family vacation has sent me into a tailspin.

I have no idea why I’ve completely written off this next cycle. I will do my best to be positive every step of the way, but for right now I can’t help having that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach about all of the effort spent will be for nothing.

I promise that I’m not always a Debbie Downer. It’s easy to be happy about life when I’m with the bean — he’s such an amazingly happy toddler. His smiles are infectious. But it’s easy to be down on myself when I’m away from him. And since I mainly write posts when I’m at work, those are the thoughts that I write about.

In an attempt to turn around my “woe is me” mood, I actually went into a local church during my lunch break. It’s actually a fairly large cathedral, so I was one of many that was walking around the building. I lit an offering candle and said a little prayer that I would be able to find hope one day. I’m hoping that someday this prayer will be answered.


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I wanna hold your hand

Sometimes, this mommy gig isn’t so bad.

This weekend was our holiday trip to visit the in-laws. All of papaBeaner’s immediate family live 4 hours away, so we don’t get the chance to see them too often. So, for all intents and purposes, the bean thinks the in-laws are strangers. He’ll come to realize who each of them are — I’m not worried about that. But it would be nice to get to the point where we could drop him off at one of their houses for the night and papaBeaner and I can go out on a date. But I think we’re a few years away from that.

So, the bean was like a little shadow this weekend. If he wasn’t tugging at my leg, he was following papaBeaner. Being the introvert that I am, I enjoyed this greatly. It gave me a reason for being around, without having to feel awkward about starting up a conversation with anyone.

But I adored him being my shadow. I enjoyed him grabbing my finger and pulling me across the room, to a quiet location, so he could play with some toy. I enjoyed him smiling at me when I entered the room and running to give me a hug. I enjoyed the many kisses I got from him in an attempt to show my in-laws that he could kiss. I enjoyed him running into me and knocking me down. So, while we were in houses filled with other adults and little kids, I particularly enjoyed the quality time spent with my clingy little boy.

And due to the sleep-deprived nights, I also enjoyed the 3 hour nap he took in the car on the drive home and snuggling with him on the couch when we got home. That was probably my favorite part of the weekend.


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Sweet Feet

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Feet are my least liked body part on anyone and it’s not just the smelly factor. Feet look gross. They’re bony and veiny on most people, un-proportionally bigger than they should be.

Which is why it’s weird that they’re one of my favorite body parts of the bean (second to his cheeks).

When he was a newborn, they were so tiny. Then he grew into a chubby baby and his feet looked like little pillows with chubby little toes. Even now that he has slimmed down considerably, they’re still pretty darn cute. They’re not bony yet, which is probably why I don’t mind them. Feet peek-a-boo is still one of my favorite games as well as feet nibbling. And he’s super ticklish and I can’t help tickling his feet and hearing him giggle. And since the weather is getting chilly, he’s always in socks. When I take off his socks at the end of the day to let his little piggies breathe, his feet have a slightly sweaty scent to them and I admit to enjoying the smell. It won’t be long until they start smelling and looking like gross feet. I give it until the summer.