Notes To My Beans

The day to day tales of my life with the beans

1 Comment

Cycle 3 – Sigh

I’m not going to lie – I cried big time on Tuesday. After trying to hold back the tears at work, I ugly cried myself to sleep. I told papaBeaner all the things I wouldn’t never publicly say aloud – I really wanted the bean and the next bean to be 2 years apart in school, that the timing would be perfect because I could take off 6 months and be with the next one for the same amount of time as I was with the bean without losing any vacation days, that this one could use the beans or my nieces’ clothes because it would have been a summer baby. Now all of those plans are up in smoke.

I know I’m nuts to think about all of that fully knowing that nothing is guaranteed in life. That’s something that infertility has taught me. But i was hoping that life would go that way. Now i need to find a new hope. But it’s hard when you build up something in your head as being “the perfect plan.”

So where do we go from here? We’ll be “trying on our own” this cycle. We’ll be out of town visiting my in-laws in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be able to do morning monitoring then. I’m still not sure if i can ovulate on my own but at least we’ll have fun trying although I have little hope about this working. I have a phone meeting with my doctor to discuss the state of things. I know that this practice doesn’t like to do more than 3 IUIs so I’m scared out of my wits to do IVF. I can’t imagine how devastated I would feel if IVF didn’t work – the shots, the hormones messing with my mind, the physical toll, the time, the money. If i cried myself to sleep 2 nights in a row over a failed IUI, then could I ever come back from a failed IVF?

I know I sound bitter and that 2 failed cycles isn’t a lot. I acknowledge that I sound like a brat. But when other people get pregnant “just by looking at her” it stings. A lot. And it makes me focus on the fact that life isn’t fair. And then there are those that say “you already have 1.” And that’s true too, but it hurts to look at him and realize that I might not be able to give him a sibling because mommy’s hormones suck.papaBeaner and I never imagine ourselves to be an only child household but the probability of that is creeping up as an option.

We do have 1 more try and I hold on to that hope.


Leave a comment

Thankful wishes

I’ve decided to condense my Thanksgiving wishes into one post – instead of posting daily in little snippets, I list them all below:

1 – I am thankful for the bean — not only does he bring tons of joy into my life, but he also makes me remember to not sweat the small stuff and to be more appreciative of parenthood in general.

2 – I am thankful for papaBeaner — never was there a more caring and patient man (even if he does infuriate me every so often).

3 – I am thankful for my parents — I don’t tell them this enough but they have made the difficulties of life much easier to deal with. Not only did they give me everything I ever needed (and more) growing up, but they continue to support me in many ways in my adulthood. I can only hope to be there for my beans as much as my parents are there for me and my sister and our respective families.

4 – I am thankful for my sister — I would be so screwed if I had to figure out this parenting shtick without her to bounce ideas of off. And papaBeaner and I would have turned into a bowl of mush during those first 6 weeks of the bean’s life if it were not for her.

5 – I am thankful for large wool and cashmere scarves — without them I would surely freeze in any office setting.

6 – I am thankful for the whole rice bowl phenomenon — yummy in my tummy (and for $9-10 a bowl, it better be yummy!)

7 – I am thankful for my RE — when something as primal as fertility doesn’t work on its own, I’m grateful that I can hand it over to someone else to take charge of.

8 – I am thankful for my paycheck — it’s not the most exciting work, and I have to put up with some real characters, but it pays for half of my family’s lifestyle so that’s not so bad.

9 – I am thankful for my bed and blankets — I love me some sleep!

10 – I am thankful for my large extended family –I couldn’t imagine spending holidays with just my immediate family. In my opinion, the more the merrier (plus, when you have 30+ people over, meals turn into a large buffet so there’s always something good to eat).

11 – I am thankful for sarcasm — it has gotten me through a lot of situations and although it gets mistaken for bitchiness, I feel that it serves a purpose in my life (mainly by repelling those that don’t like it).

12 – I am thankful for electricity — not having any for 6 days and being at the mercy of family members that did have it was a humbling experience.

13 – I am thankful for my lips — they really are my favorite body part.

14 – I am thankful for the cultural food of my parents — it’s prepared me and my stomach well for the tasty goodness that is fried food and the binge eating that I will be partaking in today. Plus … super tasty!

15 – I am thankful for Old Navy — I think 90% of my weekend wardrobe is from them and I love my comfy clothes.

16 – I am thankful for the bean’s crib — it’s the only place where he can sleep through the night.

17 – I am thankful for bacon — salty, fatty, crispy … thinking about it makes me salivate.

18 – I am thankful for wine and beer — although I would gladly give them up for 9+ months.

19 – I am thankful for my camera — if I can’t go back in time to relive old memories, sifting through old photos is the next best thing.

20 – I am thankful to have a little place on the internet to share my thoughts — I’m a super private person but writing things down helps me to process those thoughts.

21 – I am thankful for hope — without it, life wouldn’t be worth living.

22 – I am thankful for a higher power — say what you want, but it comforts me to know that one exists.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Leave a comment

It’s a fine line


Apparently the bean has two different personalities — one for grandma & grandpa and another for mommy & daddy. Or at least that’s what I’ve told by my mom. Her theory is that papaBeaner and I are spoiling the bean. We acknowledge that this may be true but it’s just too easy to give into his every wish. It’s better than the tantrums. At least for now.

This was most evident this morning, when I dropped him off at grandma’s for the day. On the kiddie table, there were 2 cartons, one of goldfish (his most favorite food in the whole wide world) and one of cookies (which falls somewhere in his top 5 food groups). The bean takes the carton of goldfish and tries to hand it to me and I tell him to ask grandma. She tells him no, takes the carton of goldfish and puts it on the counter. The bean walks away. I’m astonished that he walked away without any issues, not even a whimper. I expressed this to my mom and she brushes it off. The bean then comes back into the kitchen and grabs the carton of cookies and hands it to me. I tell my mom to watch and then I to the same thing she did — I grab the carton, tell him no and put it on the counter. And of course, this is not met with the same reaction. He screams and falls to the ground like the world is ending because mommy won’t let him eat cookies for breakfast.

We know that we give in too easily. When the bean falls to the ground in full tantrum mode, how could you not? But we are trying to be better about this. Asking for snacks or water is okay, unless it’s close to a mealtime. Stricter parents would say no to snacks, especially when they struggle with their toddlers to eat any part of their meal. We know we’re toeing the line between being complete push-overs and having the bean adapt to our wishes. Hopefully this will get easier soon (although we’d be surprised if it does).

Leave a comment

Cycle 2 / 3dpIUI – Progesterone check

Today is going to be a frenzy at work and not even the work busy kind. I’m not prepared to fight for a desk so I’ll be walking in late. Let everyone else fight for desks!

5:10am – Shower and get ready for the day. Take my time since I’m only there for bloodwork.

5:47am – Out the door.

5:55am – Arrive at the office. #7. Another morning with the tv on but on mute and spa music playing. Blah. Grab a magazine and settle in.

6:16am – Needle time.

6:19am – Out the door. Since it’s early i decide to buy Dunkin Donuts for me and papaBeaner.

I love appointments but i love no appointments most of all. Keeping fingers crossed!

UPDATE: Progesterone is 19! Now i just have to wait for the 30th for my beta.

Leave a comment

Cycle 2/CD20 & 21 – IUI time

Thursday: papaBeaner isn’t use to the 5am wake up calls, so i wake him up for his collection appointment. He’s out the door around 5:45 for his 6:15 collection time. The bean wakes up and i bring him into the big bed for some cuddle time. Someone slept all night – amazing! PapaBeaner comes back and i get ready for the day and drop off the bean at my parents. I meet papaBeaner at the doctors and we wait for about 30 minutes after our scheduled appointment.

We get dr. crystalBall and he’ll be the Doctor tomorrow. PapaBeaner’s numbers aren’t that great (not sure what’s going on there) and i apparently have a lot of discharge and some spotting. Ew. The doctor inserts the sample and i lie down for 5 minutes before redressing and leaving the office.

Friday: Today is a little more difficult than yesterday. PapaBeaner has to leave for work early so he won’t be going to the doctor’s office with me. I have to commute into work today after the procedure. And, of course, the bean has decided to cry for over an hour last night. So papaBeaner and i get ready for work and he leaves for his collection time. Shortly after, the bean wakes up. PapaBeaner comes back and after doing some last minute prepping we leave. I drop off the bean at my parents and head to the office.

Another 30 minute wait at the office. Same thing as yesterday except papaBeaner isn’t here and his collection numbers were super good! I text him while I’m laying down after the procedure. And then leave, drop my car off at my parents and take the bus to work.

I’m looking forward to sleeping in this weekend, if the bean will let me. I go back on Monday morning for a progesterone check and then crossed fingers from there.

Leave a comment

A letter from 11/15/2011

Last year, papaBeaner introduced me the If you’re unfamiliar with this website, you write yourself a letter which will be sent to you at a specified time in the future. Below is the one I wrote myself a year ago. The bean was almost 5 months old. We use to have a saying back then (kinda taken from The Simpsons): “Day time, fun! Night time, scary!” That pretty much summed up our lives back then.

Dear FutureMe,

I’m writing this as the bean is sleeping in my arm. This is the perfect moment with an almost perfect baby boy so I’m trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

Everything has its phases and nothing lasts forever. In 2 weeks I’ll be going back to work and I wont be able to enjoy these mid-day naps. And who knows how much longer the bean will let me hold him.

There are so many uncertainties right now — will I have a place to work at a year from now, will the bean ever sleep thru the night, how will I handle being a full time working mom, etc. Regardless, just try to remember when things were good. Like right now. He’s looking like a peaceful angel. It truly is an amazing moment.

Maybe you’re ready for #2 No rush!


And just for the record, things are still good. And you already know that we’re trying for #2. The bean still has his nights when he’s up crying until we bring him into bed with us and I’m still uncertain about the stability of my job, but this parenting gig is going pretty well!