I’m not going to lie – I cried big time on Tuesday. After trying to hold back the tears at work, I ugly cried myself to sleep. I told papaBeaner all the things I wouldn’t never publicly say aloud – I really wanted the bean and the next bean to be 2 years apart in school, that the timing would be perfect because I could take off 6 months and be with the next one for the same amount of time as I was with the bean without losing any vacation days, that this one could use the beans or my nieces’ clothes because it would have been a summer baby. Now all of those plans are up in smoke.
I know I’m nuts to think about all of that fully knowing that nothing is guaranteed in life. That’s something that infertility has taught me. But i was hoping that life would go that way. Now i need to find a new hope. But it’s hard when you build up something in your head as being “the perfect plan.”
So where do we go from here? We’ll be “trying on our own” this cycle. We’ll be out of town visiting my in-laws in 2 weeks so I wouldn’t be able to do morning monitoring then. I’m still not sure if i can ovulate on my own but at least we’ll have fun trying although I have little hope about this working. I have a phone meeting with my doctor to discuss the state of things. I know that this practice doesn’t like to do more than 3 IUIs so I’m scared out of my wits to do IVF. I can’t imagine how devastated I would feel if IVF didn’t work – the shots, the hormones messing with my mind, the physical toll, the time, the money. If i cried myself to sleep 2 nights in a row over a failed IUI, then could I ever come back from a failed IVF?
I know I sound bitter and that 2 failed cycles isn’t a lot. I acknowledge that I sound like a brat. But when other people get pregnant “just by looking at her” it stings. A lot. And it makes me focus on the fact that life isn’t fair. And then there are those that say “you already have 1.” And that’s true too, but it hurts to look at him and realize that I might not be able to give him a sibling because mommy’s hormones suck.papaBeaner and I never imagine ourselves to be an only child household but the probability of that is creeping up as an option.
We do have 1 more try and I hold on to that hope.